Written by Dorys Farias. Edited by Santiago Gomez.
You save a spot for your friend at lunch like you do every day. After taking your time to wait for them, the two of you get together to decide whether to get a hot or cold lunch. In their presence, you feel like your friend is the person that’ll stick by you for the long run because you guys do everything together. Then, a peer walks up to them. Suddenly, their faces light up, and they squeeze each other tightly, as if they haven’t seen each other in ages, and walk off without a word. You then realize that the version of your friend you know isn’t the version they show everyone. But why?
In that second, reality hits, and you realize that friendship can be misleading. Some people choose convenience over personal connection. Many choose popularity over loyalty. And others choose you for what you can offer in the moment, rather than the value you bring to them.
Psychologists say this occurrence isn’t purely random. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that teenagers often gravitate toward friendships that match what they think they deserve. When students feel unsure of themselves, they’re more likely to accept surface-level friendships, even if those relationships lack stability and mutual respect. According to the study, teens “internalize their social value,” meaning that they choose relationships that reflect how they value themselves.
This study explains why so many high schoolers stay in questionable friendships, even when they sense that something is off. We cling to what’s familiar because it feels safer than reaching for more. We tell ourselves we’re lucky to even be here, even when the connection feels unreal, and we convince ourselves that this is just how friendships are built, even though it's false.
Sometimes, you just have to leave your area of comfort to achieve something greater.
Experts also note that when teens build self-worth, they tend to make better choices about the people they allow into their lives. Healthy friendships are marked by consistency and not just when you may be useful for one thing or another. A true friend treats you the same, whether you’re alone or surrounded by other peers who couldn't care less.
High school is full of people trying to figure out who they are, and not everyone is ready for real change. However, what does lead to change is the ability to recognize the difference between who genuinely supports you and who simply occupies the seat next to you. When you start choosing people who make you feel valued, not just tolerated, you learn that friendship isn’t about how many people you know; rather true friendship is about who values you for who you are, not what you give.
